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Welcome to the June 16, 2004 Issue of The Mindful
Parent Newsletter.
If
you're like me, you try to savor all that is sweet in life. And you do
what you can to minimize life's struggles. The practice of mindful living
doesn't worry so much about what emerges in life -- the happy or the sad
-- but looks to opening awareness to what emerges. This doesn't limit us
from enjoying life's happy moments nor does it numb us from feeling life's
pain. What it does do is add a layer of awareness to our perceptions so
that we do not get lost in the happiness or in the pain. With awareness,
we are capable of living fully each precious moment with which we
are blessed on this Earth.
Saturday's "The Morning Cup" column
noted that summer is here and with it, for many of us, the opportunity to
spend more time with our children -- and more time brings with it both
joyful and frustrating experiences. The more time we spend with another
person, the greater the likelihood we experience conflict. This is no
less the case with our delightful and wonderful children.
So
often, our child's words, actions, and manner of expression, and our
reaction to them, create a tug of war between us and our child. We so
easily become wrapped up inside these conflicts. And the more wrapped up
we get, the less mindful we are and the more painful the experience
becomes.
But there really is no tug of war. In a real tug of
war somebody on one side of a muddy puddle holds onto a length of rope.
Someone on the other side holds onto the other end of the same rope. They
brace themselves for battle and then pull with all their might to drag the
other person into the mud. It is a battle to conquer another and to save
oneself.
When our child demands "I want this," we sometimes
decide, rightly or not, to deny them. And before you know it, a piece of
rope magically appears. When our child learns that they can't have what
they want, our child begins to pull. We feel the tug and instinctively
pull back. In the flicker of an instant, it can spiral out of control.
Someone gets closer to the mud. Someone begins to win.
But in
mindfulness, with awareness of our true connection to our child, and of
what is actually happening, there is no winning. There can be no winning
when someone loses. There can be no joy in pulling our child into the
mud. And so, how do we stop the tug of war?
We let
go.
We don't let go as a matter of surprise, as a tactic, so
that the other -- our child -- falls on their back. We don't turn and
flee or give in. We don't say, "whatever." We slowly release our hold on
the rope and make it clear we have no desire to play tug of war. And the
slow release, which our child feels correspondingly, opens ourselves (and
perhaps our child) into mindfulness because we are jarred out of the
automatic state in which we had been stuck.
How do we let go?
Many of us know the calm that can be felt when we hear the sounding of a
bell. One tool for letting go is to transform our child's voice into a
bell of awakening.
The next time you become aware of the fact
that you and you child are in the middle of a tug of war, recite the
following verse:
Does this voice
That echoes into
the cosmos
Ever stop sounding?
If your child is
yelling "I don't want to," recite the verse and open your awareness to the
extraordinary sound being emitted from your child's throat. Take a moment
and visualize your child as a large bell with legs. Before you respond,
allow yourself to hear instead, "I don't want toooooooooo. . . ." Listen
to you child's voice as it trails off into the cosmos.
Soften
your gaze. Take a slow, full breath. Relax your neck muscles and sit or
stand upright. Be fully present. When you hear your child's voice in
this way, you begin to listen with your heart. Then, let go of the rope.
Watch it in slow motion as it falls to the ground. Feel the sensation of
having let go.
The sensation of letting go can be very
grounding. Speaking slowly and softly, look into your child's eyes and
share your feelings. Express your genuine desire for resolution. In
doing so, allow yourself to give in to your child, if it feel right --
even if it means acknowledging you had been wrong. At the same time, if
your child's best interest means holding firm, then do so. But do so from
a place of stillness, fully aware of the present moment. With this
awareness, everything changes.
Until next time.
Scott Rogers
Editor, The Mindful Parent
Newsletter
http://TheMindfulParent.org
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Thanks to Jill S. and Arvey R.
for their recent contributions of a mindful parenting verse. Their verses
are marked with the "new" graphic and can be found by clicking
here and here .
If you would like to contribute a mindful parenting verse,
please visit the website to learn how to make a submission.
The Mindful Parent website and newsletter
are internally funded and do not receive any funds through the advertising
or promotion of third party content or services.
Copyright 2004. All rights reserved. The Mindful Parent
is a trademark of Zen Health.
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