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Welcome to the June 16, 2004 Issue of The Mindful Parent Newsletter. If you're like me, you try to savor all that is sweet in life. And you do what you can to minimize life's struggles. The practice of mindful living doesn't worry so much about what emerges in life -- the happy or the sad -- but looks to opening awareness to what emerges. This doesn't limit us from enjoying life's happy moments nor does it numb us from feeling life's pain. What it does do is add a layer of awareness to our perceptions so that we do not get lost in the happiness or in the pain. With awareness, we are capable of living fully each precious moment with which we are blessed on this Earth. Saturday's "The Morning Cup" column noted that summer is here and with it, for many of us, the opportunity to spend more time with our children -- and more time brings with it both joyful and frustrating experiences. The more time we spend with another person, the greater the likelihood we experience conflict. This is no less the case with our delightful and wonderful children. So often, our child's words, actions, and manner of expression, and our reaction to them, create a tug of war between us and our child. We so easily become wrapped up inside these conflicts. And the more wrapped up we get, the less mindful we are and the more painful the experience becomes. But there really is no tug of war. In a real tug of war somebody on one side of a muddy puddle holds onto a length of rope. Someone on the other side holds onto the other end of the same rope. They brace themselves for battle and then pull with all their might to drag the other person into the mud. It is a battle to conquer another and to save oneself. When our child demands "I want this," we sometimes decide, rightly or not, to deny them. And before you know it, a piece of rope magically appears. When our child learns that they can't have what they want, our child begins to pull. We feel the tug and instinctively pull back. In the flicker of an instant, it can spiral out of control. Someone gets closer to the mud. Someone begins to win. But in mindfulness, with awareness of our true connection to our child, and of what is actually happening, there is no winning. There can be no winning when someone loses. There can be no joy in pulling our child into the mud. And so, how do we stop the tug of war? We let go. We don't let go as a matter of surprise, as a tactic, so that the other -- our child -- falls on their back. We don't turn and flee or give in. We don't say, "whatever." We slowly release our hold on the rope and make it clear we have no desire to play tug of war. And the slow release, which our child feels correspondingly, opens ourselves (and perhaps our child) into mindfulness because we are jarred out of the automatic state in which we had been stuck. How do we let go? Many of us know the calm that can be felt when we hear the sounding of a bell. One tool for letting go is to transform our child's voice into a bell of awakening. The next time you become aware of the fact that you and you child are in the middle of a tug of war, recite the following verse: Does this voice That echoes into the cosmos Ever stop sounding? If your child is yelling "I don't want to," recite the verse and open your awareness to the extraordinary sound being emitted from your child's throat. Take a moment and visualize your child as a large bell with legs. Before you respond, allow yourself to hear instead, "I don't want toooooooooo. . . ." Listen to you child's voice as it trails off into the cosmos. Soften your gaze. Take a slow, full breath. Relax your neck muscles and sit or stand upright. Be fully present. When you hear your child's voice in this way, you begin to listen with your heart. Then, let go of the rope. Watch it in slow motion as it falls to the ground. Feel the sensation of having let go. The sensation of letting go can be very grounding. Speaking slowly and softly, look into your child's eyes and share your feelings. Express your genuine desire for resolution. In doing so, allow yourself to give in to your child, if it feel right -- even if it means acknowledging you had been wrong. At the same time, if your child's best interest means holding firm, then do so. But do so from a place of stillness, fully aware of the present moment. With this awareness, everything changes. Until next time. Scott Rogers Editor, The Mindful Parent Newsletter http://TheMindfulParent.org

Thanks to Jill S. and Arvey R. for their recent contributions of a mindful parenting verse. Their verses are marked with the "new" graphic and can be found by clicking here and here .

If you would like to contribute a mindful parenting verse, please visit the website to learn how to make a submission.

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